Dear D,
I’m sorry to hear this is happening. People who are rigid tend to
become more rigid under stress. A perfectionist must dig in to prove
his point as a matter of pride. It sounds like a not so “subtle form
of intimidation.”
Bullies rely on the victim being scared and silent, and to fear losing
their job. I surmise from this there is no chain-of-command to mount
for redress. Even if there were, sometimes it doesn’t work. In fact
in some cases, it has been the boss who has “ordered” the bullying,
or delivered it him- or her-self.
Bullying is self-perpetrating. Why? Because like attracts like. The
bully will hire other bullies, and, worse yet, will promote other
bullies. And the victims, or those who find it hard to do their best
in adversarial conditions, will leave, as will other good folk who
begin to smell the coffee. It’s viral.
Here are some facts about bullying, small comfort to you now, but
perhaps of use to you in the future, and to know that you are not
alone:
- 50% of bully bosses are men, 50% are women.
- 75% of the time, women are the victims. But females target other
women 84% of the time.
- 96% of co-workers are aware of the bullying.
- The psychological violence lasts 16.5 months average.
It’s important to note this: Gary Namie, author of “The Bully at Work,”
has counseled 4,300 targets of abuse. His research shows that in less
than 10% of the abuse cases were the bullies punished, transferred
or terminated. “Bullying usually stops when the target leaves the
job,” he says. “Companies will never say they have a problem.”
- Most bullying isn’t illegal conduct. In only 85 of the cases
was the victim in a legally protected employee classification.
(Note: It is not per se illegal in the US.)
- 67% of victims report having no prior history of being bullied.
- 41% of the victims are diagnosed with depression, and 31% of
female victims experience post-traumatic stress disorder.
- Bullies rarely suffer career consequences because 42% of cases
the bully’s supervisor helped the bad boss or punished the victim.
- 11% of co-workers side with the bully.
- The longer it goes unchecked, the harder it is to get rid of.
This data is from the US Hostile Workplace Survey, 2000.
You say you work in a male-dominated business. In my personal experience
working with bullying, I have found men far more likely to accept
bullying as “part of it,” as in “If you can’t stand the heat, get
out of the kitchen.” In fact almost like the red badge of courage.
And also they tend to be less sympathetic to the victim, feeling they
should care of it themselves, not seek help.
It’s a grim picture, and my first advice to you is threefold:
1. As you can see, there’s a “first time” for bullying, and
this is it for you. (I assume you don’t have a history of this.) However,
in order to learn from this, and minimize the chances of recurrence,
please seek coaching or counseling, and go over the precipitatin events.
2. Take extreme care of yourself. Watch your health. Get counseling,
work with a coach, talk it out.
3. Get your resume ready.
Statistically the odds are against a favorable outcome for you and
it’s time to take care of yourself. You no longer owe the corporation
any loyalty; they are not looking out for you.
Orchestrate a graceful exit.
Talk with a coach or therapist at this point for specific advice to
see if they think it’s worth taking action. I don’t have enough data
here to say. I assume you have gone up chains-of-command and also
been healthily confrontive.
As you can see from the data, you can expect this to last a year and
a half, that your co-workers will not come to your aid, and that the
eventual outcome will be your leaving.
In processing what ‘caused’ this, it may be that you would do it again,
that it was your integrity at stake. If so, ask yourself (1) Is this
the kind of place where I want to work? (2) Are these the kind of
people I want to work for? and,if you feel the golden handcuffs,”(3)
What price health and sanity?
I am currently working with a bullying victim whose boss told him,
when he suggested a new procedure, “Don’t ever mention this, bury
all the paperwork if you want to keep your job, and don’t talk or
think like that again.” It happens. He is in a male-dominated industry
with such downsizing there hasn’t been a new person hired in 10 years.
Imagine the entrenchment of the culture in such a place; dug in like
a tick. This is extremely difficult to change, especially from the
inside. Don’t bloody yourself against a brick wall.
About mobbing, bullying and harassment, Jim Landgraf, president of
Education Testing Service said, “We don’t see $8 billion worth of
antidepressants in this country for nothing. The corporate culture
is so accepting of these kinds of aggressive actions, it’s not going
to go away.”
Again, my sympathy to you for what is going on. I hope for you a happy
landing in a corporation with a more Emotionally Intelligent culture.
You won’t be the first good worker driven away by such actions.
P.S. It wouldn’t hurt to see a lawyer, just to get the information.
Warm regards,
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach ™
About the Author:
(C) Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, brings emotional intelligence to the
workplace with individual and executive coaching, workshops, presentations,
Internet courses, the EQ Learning Lab and ebooks. Visit her on the
web at http://www.susandunn.cc
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