- I bored several when I responded to their important issues with
"I understand your situation, here's my similar story..."
- I let one person continue talking about a negative experience
to the point that she excused herself - and then she avoided me
for the rest of the evening.
- When someone complimented me on my salad (it was a potluck),
I offered to let them take the rest home without looking to see
that all that was left was a soggy pile of croutons.
- I interrupted a conversation at a buffet table when someone
asked a question. When I made a comment the other two looked shocked
and walked off without saying a word.
Although I seriously doubt that many will discuss my behavior, I do
worry about the affect it will have on my relationships with these
people in the future. I've already received some negative feedback.
I did ask a friend to "give me a sign" if I was talking too much or
seemed to be boring anyone. She gave me a sign a couple of times,
but wasn't with me the entire party. I paid special attention to signs
such as people looking at their watches or body language that shows
impatience.
How might one prepare, and make the best impression at work parties
while mingling with people you do and don't know you? How might one
deal with others who aren't EQ experts themselves but don't realize
it: those who talk too much, discuss inappropriate subjects, brag
etc.
D.
Dear D,
A timely topic … the office Christmas party! Let me see if I can give
you some specific pointers.
These things that I’ll list are treating the symptoms. Keep working
on your EQ so you’ll gain confidence. That’s the “cure”.
Before the event think positive thoughts. Every time you rehearse
an event with emotion, you’re predicting it, because our brains don’t
know the difference between reality and fantasy; past or future. Each
time you “dread” it, you’re attracting that to happen in reality.
The stronger will be the bonds between “Office party” and “I can’t…”
This is so simple most people ignore it, but I’m serious when I say
- set your mental state. Go over affirmations such as “I’m good at
parties,” and “I have a good time at parties.” Why? Because otherwise
you’ll be saying “I hate … I’m nervous…I’m inept,” none of which will
do you any good.
If you can’t get to “I’m good at”, then try “eggs are white and grapes
are purple.” ANYTHING is better than what’s currently in there!!
Before you go, practice relaxation techniques – meditation, yoga,
running a mile, taking a nap. These will clear your thoughts, and
get rid of toxic emotions. Then you can start with a clear playing
field.
Figure out what to do with your hands! Practice your smile, handshake
and just standing there in a mirror.
Remember that two emotions can’t fill the same space at the same time.
If you’re breathing deeply before you start speaking, chances are
your voice won’t quiver.
Make a mental list of topics which can comfortably fill airspace.
You don’t want to babble on, clam up, or talk about yourself because
you’re uncomfortable.
It can’t be said enough that most people long to talk about themselves.
Come up with some open-ended questions such as “Do you have company
coming for the holidays?” or “What are your plans for Christmas?”
Most company office parties are long-term traditions; you can always
talk about last year’s compared to this year’s. Queries about the
food and entertainment work – “What do you think is in the quiche
that makes it so…” or “Wonder why they chose a C&W band this year?
What was it last year, I can’t remember?”
We’re led to believe that open-ended questions (ones that can’t be
answered with “yes” or “no) are magic, and they are not. You have
your skills, and so does the person you’re initiating conversation
with. If there’s a lapse, have a nudge, for instance:
YOU: “What are your plans for Christmas?”
THEY: “Going to my mother’s.” Silence.
Take it up a notch
YOU: “So does everyone bring something, or does she do the
whole thing?”
Use conversation leads.
YOU: “Boy I bet things are hopping in your department right
now.” (when you know they are)
THEY: Yes.
Kick it up a notch
“Have they brought in temps?” or “So does Bill help out or are you…?”
or “How do you manage all that extra work down there?”
Keep going until something clicks and they start talking. If not,
“it isn’t all about you.” Bear in mind there are other people at the
event who have their own reasons for not being good conversationalists.
Make a split- emotional and factual folks. Emotional folks will be
pretty eager to talk. Factual folks tend to talk, then listen, and
are harder to kickstart. “How” and How to” questions work with factual
folks. Ask the question and then be prepared to listen. You may be
bored, but they won’t! And of course you may learn something very
important if you ask the right question!
If there’s an opportunity to take on a “job,” grab it. Someone has
to register people and make out name tags, someone may need to pass
hors d’oeuvres. Volunteer to sit at the greeting table. It’s saved
the life of many an introvert!
Keep your negative fantasies at bay. One client told me she “bored
someone by talking about…” The general modus operandi at such an event
is to talk lightly and then move on. You could be talking about the
most intriguing thing on earth, and the other person would still “move
on.” Generally speaking it isn’t a time for lengthy one-on-one conversations.
Christmas being an emotional time, and there being spirits available,
people will be in various states of equilibrium. Not letting someone
“spill” is a good rule of thumb. If your manager happens to be dead
drunk and starts to tell you about their abusive husband, you don’t
want to let this continue. Here’s one thing (of many) you can do.
Remaining pleasant, relaxed and superficial (you don’t want to encourage
this to go on), say, “Yeah, things sure do kick up at the holidays
don’t they? Hang tough,” and then suddenly see a need to refill your
glass, or notice how absolutely marvelous her Christmas pin is and
find out where she got it!
Keep your sense of humor. If you make a gaf, laugh with the others.
About the salad … #1, Why would you feel bad about it? #2, What to
say? Something like (lightly) “Or maybe not,” or “Guess the croutons
weren’t the most popular part of it,” or “On the other hand you wouldn’t
want to take THIS home.” Laugh and move on.
If it’s not your forte, sidle up to a large group that’s talking happily
and blend. Laugh when they laugh, say “Oh no” when they say “Oh no.”
Don’t feel you have to say anything. They’re doing just fine on their
own.
Don’t try to break into a group of 2 or 3 people engaged in intense
conversation.
Be aware of nonverbal signals, but don’t over-exaggerate their importance.
The person who appears restless in your presence and sneaking a peek
at their watch could be bored with you, but they could also
- Be angry or worried their spouse hasn’t shown up yet
- Have a new watch that doesn’t work
- Have a new Piaget they want you to notice
- Have a new watch that’s pulling the hairs on their wrist
Don’t always be fantasizing something negative involving YOU. Use
your learned optimism (an EQ competency). If you must form a judgment
in your mind, make it a positive one. Choose the possible reason that’s
the most affirming of you, i.e., “He’s probably preoccupied about
his upcoming surgery,” not “I’m boring him. I’m inept.”
Rules don’t necessarily apply, because much in social interaction
depends upon the personalities of the individuals involved. Plus the
office party doesn’t stand alone; it’s related to what’s been going
on in the office all years.
Lower your rheostat. Because it’s a moderately stressful occasion
for all concerned, and they’re in different states of, um, consciousness,
let a lot of what goes on slip past. Lower that threshold that judges
and reacts and manage those emotions!
Reality Check: You are all filling air time, trying to connect,
and attempting to have a good time at a command performance with a
group of people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to associate with
given free will, while coping with whatever extra demands the holidays
have brought into your life. In other words, folks not at their best,
not in the best of circumstances.
If you’re accepting of others’faux pas, well, what comes around goes
around. People react differently to stress. One person may start bragging,
another may talk about family problems, another may try humor that
misses the mark. Carry on!
Now, in order to make this less of an ordeal next year, do these things:
- Keep working on your Emotional Intelligence, particularly in
an inter-active situation, such as with a certified EQ coach.
Reading can only take you so far with Emotional Intelligence.
- Observe the people at the party. If someone seems to be smooth
at these things, analyze why. Figure out what they do, and how
they do it. Write it down when you get home.
- Work with yourself to relax and enjoy this event. If not, you
will be rehearsing it with negative emotion. You will be reinforcing
the connection in your brain that say such things as “Christmas
parties are awful,” and “I embarrass myself at Christmas parties.”
Good luck!
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach(tm)
About the Author:
(C) Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, brings emotional intelligence to the
workplace with individual and executive coaching, workshops, presentations,
Internet courses, the EQ Learning Lab and ebooks. Visit her on the
web at http://www.susandunn.cc
and sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE EQ ezine. Please put "EQ ezine" for
the subject line. EQ Alive! - http://www.eqcoach.net
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