I brought up the subject asking for performance feedback concerning my management skills in scheduled one-on-one meetings at least once a month. His responses were "OK" without any suggestions or elaboration.

After a year, I was becoming increasingly frustrated, not only because I did the work without the promotion, but also because he was becoming increasingly involved in the detail level of my work. In several cases, he made decisions within my responsibility "over my head" without having all the information or informing me. In all cases, this led to errors that cost the company time and money.

I felt that I couldn't get through to him nor get any feedback out of him. Our relationship became highly stressed. He canceled meetings frequently and seemed to be avoiding me. We once had a very positive working relationship.

One day, out of the blue, he called me into a conference room and told me that he was giving me six weeks to 'improve my personality' or get out. The complaints were valid, but not what I would consider a significant problem.

I did: interrupt others, provide unsolicited advice, over-communicate, disagree with others' ideas, and support my own ideas. While I agreed, I didn't feel that any of it was frequent enough to pose a problem or overpowering enough to pose a problem for my work.

He said that my work results were excellent, but my personality made me impossible to work with. He also added that it had 'always' been a problem but he had been hoping it would work itself out.

I'm not sure what to believe: The company was having problems and had filed 'corrective actions' against other employees during the same period. I was getting stock options at a value far below market because I had been with the company so long.

In the same conversation when I asked for a promotion, my boss suggested I dump my husband and move in with a 'sugar daddy' such as himself instead of taking on additional responsibility for a higher salary. Odd, my main argument for the promotion was that it would be a good career building experience and I thought he would make a good mentor for a new manager.

I'm also far from perfect and have undergone counseling in the past for problems I've had with people in authority (over-controlling father during my childhood). I also get stressed and defensive when asked to take on overly detailed work, especially when it pertains to administrative and social duties not conductive to the success of my professional duties and objectives.

My boss told me that I was qualified for much higher levels, but hadn't and would never 'make it' due to my 'problems'.

While that was two years ago, and I had another job since (which I was laid off from when the company was sold), I've lost so much confidence in my own EQ that I'm totally blocked in my job search. I feel that if it weren't a problem anymore, I wouldn't feel the need to think about or discuss it anymore. Unfortunately, I can't afford counseling because of my job loss.

Since I made a great deal of effort not to let control/authority issues affect me in that company, I'm convinced that it's an EQ problem. Some of my coworkers supported him in his complaint actually providing examples with quotes. Unfortunately, I wasn't told who said what so I couldn't discuss it with them. There was obviously something they didn't tell me during a period of over three years which makes me seriously question the presence of any EQ talent what-so-ever.

I've read Emotional EQ and know it intellectually, thought I was good at it, but question my ability to put it into actual practice. I'm concerned about competing in a competitive job market with 'one brick short of a load' ;) I'm also considering a job change where my 'problems' shouldn't have an effect on success in the job or work environment. What advice do you have to help me build my EQ and EQ confidence?

Sincerely, B

P.S. If you publish this, please do not use my real name.

Dear B,
A boss who would suggest you dump your husband and move in with a "sugar daddy such as himself" instead of taking on additional responsibility for a higher salary has such a low EQ I wouldn't listen to anything he said. Why would you work for someone like that?

This is a wonderful experience for you to learn from, because look at what it did to your self-esteem. Resilient people learn from experiences and experiment with behaviors. Congratulations on your decision to work on your EQ!

To me your boss sounds like a micro-manager who didn't know how to handle constructive discontent, and was naïve in that he assumed problems work themselves out...